Inspiration...

I've been thinking for the last few days what to blog about. We had a really sad time in our family towards the beginning of the week. My uncle lost his long battle with cancer, despite fighting it so hard. It was actually very sudden, as although there was nothing more they could do for him, he was well and about to be discharged from hospital. Within two hours, he had taken a severe turn for the worse. I cant imagine how devastated my auntie and cousins are as I am very lucky to still have both my parents and haven't suffered that particular heartbreak. I've not felt like writing anything this week, and my uncles death has made me reflect on my life.
I have the best friends. Two of my best friends at work were absolutely amazing. There for me when I needed them, but they didn't push me or try to get me to talk about it until I was ready. I feel I've been a bit of a recluse - sitting at home, going to bed early, and not even spending Saturday night doing anything other than watching a film. I did go out on Saturday afternoon for an hour, but not quite by choice. My dad takes my dog to have his haircut and manicure every couple of months, and found out about a new course of dog training starting. As my dog is quite well trained, just not sociable and hates people coming to the door, my dad decided we needed to go. Cue me not having much choice, and grudgingly agreeing. It was actually a lot better than I anticipated, he was very well behaved (the dog, not my dad) and didn't attack any other dogs. Hopefully by the end of the course, he will completely listen to me and be a reformed dog!
So, for this post I have been inspired by Glee. The episode "Born This Way" to be particular. Mr Schuester was on a mission to get the Glee kids to embrace the aspects of themselves they didn't like, and accept themselves for who they really are. A point that kept coming up was that the changes the kids wanted to make were because they loved themselves, not because they hated themselves. What with my evaluating my life, this has really hit home with me. I want to change myself because I love myself and because I hate myself. I try hard to accept myself, and I do, but I also want to change.
Lady Gaga is the queen of acceptance. People don't always accept her and what she does. Just last week it was reported that "the Catholics are outraged at the meaning behind the song 'Judas'". She is always out there, having the wackiest outfit, the craziest video, the most outrageous hairdo and the dramatic, nonsensical video. But, shes always the one with the message, and most of the time that message is "Love the person you are, and accept yourself". Born This Way was the classic song for the message, and it makes a point with me. Doesn't stop me from wanting to change myself a bit though. She doesn't give a damn what people think, she sticks horns to her head for videos, arrives to awards in a giant egg, and wore a dress made completely of meat. Lady Gaga is the ultimate "out-there" artist of the minute and she refuses to conform.
I have all my personal goals, and I'm so impatient I hate to wait. I wish some of the changes I want to make could be instant and I would work hard for them afterwards if I could have the results now. Instead I need to be dedicated and push myself to get where I want to be. It is hard though, and anyone who ever says it isn't needs to take a look at themselves. I need to organise my goals into a list of which order they are going to be achievable and work out routes to get them.
If you hate yourself enough to want to change, then you also love yourself too much to just abandon all hope. You love yourself enough to change, and I do. I want to be a better person, I want to develop my hobbies, I want to be healthier and fitter, I want to lose weight, I want to learn to love without expecting anything back in return, I want to be generous without suffering the consequences and most of all, I want to be selfless and sincere. Changes take time, but its never too late to start.

Where, oh where, has my motivation gone?

I need more motivation. My best friend is getting married in September. We have been best friends for 18 years this year, which is a long time. Its almost my entire life. We have had our ups and downs, but we always come through it, and usually stronger than before. So at her wedding I am going to be a bridesmaid. I'm excited! However, that means I am going to be in a lot of photos, and wearing a beautiful purple dress. So now, I need to do everything I can to make sure I look good in that dress. We have until the beginning of July before we have to go for the fittings to have any alterations made. So I have 2 months to lose as much weight as I can, and keep it off. So, I am going to cut out photos of how I want to look - mainly from horse magazines, and stick them on the cupboards and fridge. I have written out a new meal plan, and I have made a list of everything we need for it for the fortnight. That way, hopefully I wont run out of things and end up buying take-away. I need to stick on it, and I've been finding it so hard. But I really want to do it, so hopefully I can get myself together. 

Of course, I have other reasons for wanting to get motivated. I plan on saving for a horse as soon as I can drive, and so I can look at a wider range of four legged companions, weighing a lot less than now would be more than helpful. There are lots of other benefits, of course, but these are my main priorities and so need to scape together every shred of motivation I can muster. Two of my work colleagues go to a Slimming World group on Wednesday nights. I have considered returning and going to the sessions again, because if it would help me to stay on my diet and lose the weight, the weekly cost is worth it. However, I don't know if I want to go on my own. Last time I was going, I went with family. So to go on my own is a much bigger step, and one I'm not sure about yet. Something to think about, at least.

I've got another driving lesson tomorrow. I am quite excited, but I keep panicking when I think about it. Before when I had lessons, I didn't get the biting point thing. It was never explained, either helped out on the pedals by the instructor, or else he just said "there!" and I never got it on my own. My new instructor is great...very patient and understanding. I got the biting point and we stopped and moved off loads during the first lesson. But if I'm on my own and I go over the cockpit drill or anything in my head, I think about the biting point and panic. I guess it is something that only practise will help. Hopefully I'll be able to practise outside of lesson times with my dad. So for now, I'm just excited about my lesson. She said we would refresh what we did last time, and then go for a jaunt on the roads. Eek! 

I've recently been hunting for a costume for the previously mentioned best friend's hen night in August. The bridesmaids are all helping plan it, and most of it is top secret. The theme, which she does know about, is "sexy masquerades". So basically, burlesque crossed with masquerades. Moulin Rouge with masks. How exciting? I think I have finally decided on an outfit, but I can't order it until I have been paid. Bad times. Once I decide on the final colour, I can pick a mask to go with it. I need to accessorize it with lots of lovely glamorous pretty things. I need to glamorize my outfit. I also need to find shoes. Damn....i forgot about shoes. This is likely to be a huge problem, as due to extremely weak ankles, I have issues with heels. So, burlesque sexy shoes, without heels....Hmmm.

On the accessories hand though, fake nails or at least tips are going to be an absolute yesYES! I bought some reduced false French nails with a little design on the tips yesterday, and put them on. You can wear them for a week and then you are supposed to take them off. They are fabulous. The design is a little black and silver butterfly with some silver glittery and black swirly butterfly dust. I love them....except they make typing a slight issue. Not going to be good if I am processing at work tomorrow. We are going out for lunch at work tomorrow. We processed the most packs ever in March - *highfive* and so are getting a treat from the company. We got the choice, and could have done anything, but due to some people not wanting to come to the more exciting things, we have decided on lunch on a work day so everyone can come. Then, for our work quarterly instead of going for the usual meal, we are going to the Comedy Club at the cinema to see some stand up. It's really different to what we usually have to do, so I am really looking forward to it.

My other half has finally booked himself in for his first tattoo. He wants a dragon design on his bicep, and has found the head of a dragon he loves. He is going to give that to the artist who will then just freehand the rest of the design onto his arm and then if he likes it, away they go. If not, they re-draw. I want another tattoo. I have promised myself that when I get down to my final target weight (I have a long way to go), I can have my other shoulder blade done. I designed my shoulder piece to be flipped and mirrored on my other shoulder blade, so I decided when I lose my weight that is my reward. I have kind of planned my next 4 tattoos, so now I just have to design them and then get the bottle to have them. 

I've been toying a lot with the ideas of modification lately. I've debated dying my hair, more tattoos, and piercings. But overall, I have decided to hold off for now. Well, maybe I'll dye my hair. It's only going to go a natural colour (my natural colour) as I really regret my natural colour changing from dying it. 

I am so impatient, I want everything now. I hate waiting!!

Edumacation!

I had my first driving lesson yesterday. I started lessons about three and a half years ago, but I really didn't get on with my instructor and felt the few lessons I did have weren't going anywhere. I have now, finally, got the money to restart. I have gone with a female instructor this time, and she is lovely. Really patient and friendly, and the car is really comfortable to drive. We refreshed the basics and covered what I could remember (not a lot!). Once we started I was just doing some basic going forward, stopping, turning left and right and then we progressed into the slightly more advanced signalling before turning, second gear, clutch control/ever so slight hill start and reversing in a straight line. Next lesson we are going on the roads! Its all exciting! I keep looking at cars for sale but I think I need to save some money up before I can...
I have also been thinking about maybe doing some A-Levels or something on a distance course as although my dreams of Uni have pretty much dissipated, A-levels are going to look better on my CV than just GCSE's, right? Not entirely sure what subjects I would go for, probably the basics like English and Science. I'm not brilliant at Maths so probably would steer clear on that, I got a C in my GCSE so that's good enough for me! Or maybe a National Diploma rather than A-Levels. Hmm... Options.
Always good to have options!

180 degrees...

Well, I've done a complete U-turn since my last post. Writing it made me look more into the university options again, and i have to admit, i was completely horrified and heartbroken about what i found. There were two unis that piqued my interest - they looked like good homey universities, offered the course I wanted, i had heard good things about them. They aren't the best uni's in England, and they were both at about the same standing in the league tables - for what they are worth. Both round about the 70 mark. And now, due to a change in the law, from next year, they are both charging £9000 per year. That's the same as Oxford and Cambridge. Nine thousand pounds a year. Wow. Well, there's pretty much no way I can go to uni then. Every one says you get tuition fee loans so it makes no difference. I don't want to spend the next 30 years of my life trying to pay back £50,000 worth of debt that i will never pay off because you have to earn a ridiculous amount to actually pay it back. You get all that debt, and you get a degree, but that degree doesn't guarantee you a job, and unless the job is one that you definitely have to have a degree for, it doesn't put you any closer to winning that job than anyone else (in my opinion anyway). I work in an office, doing data entry, and two of my team, who earn the same as me have degrees. It hasn't got them any further at present, and yes it may be a better foundation for a job in the future, but by the time you get there all the debt is written off, leaving our country in even more of a detrimental financial position that we are already in.
So, now, I am going to develop myself to possibly, at some point in the future, turn a hobby into a career when the climate is a bit better. It means I wont have a degree with a fancy piece of paper, but i also wont have all the debt hanging around my shoulders. I have new plans. I'm going to carry on working as I am now, learn to drive, buy a car, and buy a horse. I'm 99% certain that the reward of having a horse will offset the worse things about money. My first driving lesson in a few years in tomorrow. Straight from work. I've not driven for about 3 and a half years, and only had a few lessons then so I'm basically starting from scratch. I'm excited, though I'm getting more nervous as the day progresses. I've got a theory app on my phone and have been practising on that daily. Every time i take the mock test i pass, but i cant help but feel it cant be that easy.
If I want to start riding again (which i do, as soon as I can drive I'm starting lessons while i look for a suitable mount to buy) i want to lose some weight. So i need to start on my diet and stick to it. That's the hardest part. All i need to do is procure a huge amount of willpower and a printer. I need a printer to stick pictures of skinny jodphur models around the house to try and inspire me and stop me going off the rails. Maybe instead of a printer I could just cut them out of some of my horse magazine?
So I have the plans...I'm just not very good at patience. I want what I want, and i want it now. Of course, the main problem is money. You have to wait to be able to buy things and that's boring. I'm looking forward to it, and of course i have started doing everything i can to make it seem more real. Getting insurance quotes on cars for sale just to see how much its likely to cost me, then trying to tot up all the costs involved. Its expensive, but I'm determined and so will get it.
I've come in a complete different direction from my last post, i know. I have picked up a few new hobbies that I want to develop and really get stuck into...except most of them require money to start out. I need a free hobby to keep me going!
I've recently sent a few links to my sister of Tim Minchin videos on YouTube. I absolutely adore him and have listened to nearly all of his songs to the extent that i know them word for word. I told her to watch them because I would be questioning her to make sure she did. I wonder if she has?