Why is it that I cant ever decide what I want?

For the past few months, I have been spiralling around in my head, leaping from dream to dream. I once made the biggest mistake of my life. I was living away at college, studying the thing I've been most passionate about in my entire life. My dreams were coming true. I loved my life, and I was going to be truly happy. I was heading for a career with horses and it didn't seem that there was any way I wouldn't get what I wanted.
But then, disaster. I hadn't really enjoyed jumping for a while, and though I adored watching other people fly over 5 foot jumps, the thought of doing it myself filled me with terror. During a lesson at college, the instructor announced we would spend the last 20 minutes jumping. Okay, I thought, I can do this. It turns out, I couldn't. I took a fall, and, after completing the lesson but not actually jumping, feeling dizzy and out of it, was sent off to hospital and diagnosed with concussion. The college then sent me home for an extended weekend, for health and safety reasons, and that was the first mistake. The best thing for me to do would have been to man up and get on with it. Instead, I sat at home for four days and then returned, shaken and slightly scared. I had lost my confidence, and after bumbling on but not talking to my instructor and yard manager about it and really getting to the bottom of the problem, the solution was that I would just not deal with any of the more complicated horses. So when one of the less senior yard staff (possibly not knowing what we had agreed) told me to go and sort out one of the worst on the yard, i refused. With no alternative accepted, my choice was do it, or leave the yard. I left.
And then I ran away from college. One bus, then a coach all the way back to my home town, I stayed with a friend. The plan would have gone fine, except college then rang my house phone to find out when I was coming back. Cue my mum discovering I wasn't actually at college. I went back after the weekend, feeling no better, and the same scenario ensued, and that time when I left the yard, I left for good. I called my parents, and with my main instructor and the lecturer/head of year I liked and trusted most away on holiday, no-one could persuade me to stay. I left, leaving behind my chance at an education and the career i had dreamt of for years and wanted more than anything in my life. But i was in such a dark and isolated place I couldn't see a path back and forced myself to leave and forget that place.
There was probably a grace period where we could have negotiated my return and my bad decision would be undone, but I was young and so scared I just seemed stubborn. So instead, I threw my dreams and my education away. I eventually started another programme, an apprenticeship in Business Administration, and i seemed content with that. But after a period of sickness I returned to work only to be told, I had too much time of in my probationary period, and my employment was terminated. I was told to go to the college supplying my NVQ qualification that day, and they would sort me out another placement. I was upset and humiliated being fired for the first time, and I didn't go. I called my tutor the next day to explain and re-arrange, and was told that they no longer considered me to be on the course. I was heartbroken, because that meant I had just thrown my second chance at a future away, and I was only 18.
As far as I was concerned, I had no future career and I was sinking further into the dark, deeper into the isolation and further away from escape. By this point, I was engaged and we were nearly moving out of the mother in laws house. I tried to focus on other things, like the house we were refurbishing or the wedding I was planning. But internally, I was grieving the loss of everything I had wanted since I was 12.
I started a new job 3 years after losing my last one, and although it is a job, it doesn't fulfil me. It doesn't make me happy. Its a means to an end, and that end is surviving. I will always be grateful to that job, and the employers there who took me on, but I feel like I am wasting my life. It's never going to be the career i wanted so fiercely.
The problem is now though, that the career I really wanted is extremely hard to get into. The ruling has just changed so that Uni's can charge what they want up to the maximum fee - £9000 per year. In the financial climate, there are so many graduates who are unemployed, will working hard for 3 years and getting a degree really get me the job, or just a shedload of debt? The career I covet (or one of them at least - more on this below) is one that you absolutely, must have, 100% a degree for. So without the uni route, I cant do it. Which means giving up my job, being completely skint, doing a degree and getting into debt, and either spending a looot of money and time travelling, or uprooting myself and my husband to move closer to a uni that offers the course. I would also have to undertake an Access course, as I never finished my further education, so have no qualifications above GCSE's. But that only takes one year, its a part time course and so I could work part time around it to help with the finance. But working around it isn't really an option once I get to uni.
Of course, there is a couple of other careers I would LOVE to have. Now remember, I said I was bouncing off the walls of my skull, shooting from one dream to another? There are four careers I would love to have, but three of them generally require degrees, and if I'm going to get into all that debt and spend three years of my life studying and working hard, I want to do it for my passion. A lot of people have said "Well, do a degree in X, its less specific and more academic and will get you a better job at the end of it" but I want to get the degree I want, even if it doesn't put me in such a good position at the end of it.
Of the four careers I would like, two involve animals (specifically horses), one children and the fourth is completely different. But, two of them are in sectors that, in this financial climate, are facing cut backs and therefore job opportunities are going to be harder to find and a lot harder to obtain. Two of the careers would more than likely involve working for myself - something i'm not sure i have the business head for.
I feel like I am slamming my head into a brick wall, and I feel like I dont have any support for what I want to do. I go from wanting the career, to a different career, to no career but my own horse, back to careers again. I cant settle on a decision, part of what's making my husband so reluctant to support me. I understand, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it.
I feel like I have rambled on for far too long, so this is the end of this post!

The Royal Wedding

It was discussed at work a while back that we would be working the day of the royal wedding. Gutted! However, management then decided that it would cost them too much to make us work it (unconfirmed rumour, but likely to be the reason!) and so we were given a lovely long weekend. I originally planned to celebrate by having A Right Royal Tea Party - high tea, scones with cream and jam, cucumber sandwiches in little triangles with no crusts and such. I then decided that because it was actually only April, and the weather has been unbelievably beautiful, we were going to have a BBQ instead. So of course, we need a new BBQ. The old one has rusted into flakes and would be better served as a planter than a source of cooking for consumption! Many decisions about the guest list, menu, entertainment ensued. The final draft included my parents and sibling, mother in law, brother in law and his two young kiddeos, and our two best friends (the other two had plans for going to see a friend). The delicious menu, consisting of sausage burgers, beef and onion burgers, Lincolnshire sausages, Chicken skewers, potato salad, coleslaw, salad, with my mum's mouthwatering cheesecake for pudding has been eagerly anticipated by me for the last two weeks. A tent has been erected on the lawn for our nephews to play in, and the table moved down the garden to the sunny patch of the grass. The day arrived. 

I settled down to watch the wedding, and Harry and Wills both looked dashing. William looked like a proper Disney Prince in his finery, with his wonderful Disney Prince best man. Kate looked absolutely stunning, a real princess and the guests all looked fabulous (except that one guest sat behind the Queen - one of the princesses i think, with a very strange and exuberant hat!) and the beautiful bride and gorgeous groom looked very happy and in love. Being the lover of all things equine that i am, i loved watching the parade back to Buckingham Palace with the carriage and all the horses. The BBC's coverage of the event was great, with a good commentary. 

I don't understand though, why Prince William didn't get a ring. And why they didn't kiss during the ceremony. Surely that is one of the best parts? "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride!". So why, after leaving that heart-warming section out, is there such a huge thing about them kissing in public? The kiss on the balcony, so sweet and loving, was such an event in the wedding as they haven't kissed as a married couple in public before this. I just don't get it!

I am rather in love with Prince Harry. He was my favourite Prince when I was young, with my sister favouring William, and I can forgive him all of his social faux pas's and errors of judgement. I would love to be his Princess, but I don't think my husband would take too kindly to that! 

The sun has come out shining, the royal nuptials went off without a hitch, the adorable couple shared TWO kisses on the Buckingham Palace balcony (much to the delight of the crowd watching), and I have the fascinating and sumptuous Russell Brand's "My Booky Wook" to read. It was pay day yesterday, and I went on a bit of a spending spree. After the Piers Morgan's Life Stories interview and going to see "Arthur" on Orange Wednesday, I was on a  Russell Brand high. He is absolutely fabulous, and i adore him. I went into the town centre on my dinner to buy "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" after not seeing it since it was at the cinema, only to find it OUT OF STOCK. Instant heartbreak. So instead I bought Mamma Mia (due to the wedding mood) and Get Him To The Greek - with the wonderful Mr Brand. I also bought "Dear Fatty" by the fabulous Dawn French, "Its Not What It Looks Like" by Chris Evans, and books 5 & 6 of the Vampire Diaries. We spent the evening with a bottle of wine, Indian takeaway and Get Him To The Greek, after which i started reading My Booky Wook. I'm only on Chapter 3 (preparations for the royal wedding have taken a toll on my time, daaaaahling) and i am so in love already. He is such an interesting person who has been through such (self inflicted admittedly) hard times and come out of it alive. 

And now BHS is on fire in the town centre. Last year, Matalan burnt down on a Sunday afternoon. Someone tried to burn a security tag off and ended up setting everything on fire - meaning we are only just about to have an open Matalan nearly a year later. Hopefully the fire at BHS isn't as bad, no-one gets hurt and we don't lose the shop - I just bought a dress in the Edinburgh branch for my cousins wedding, and its a beautiful dress. 

On a completely unrelated note - I LOVE LOVE LOVE "Judas" by Lady Gaga. So so catchy and a great tune. Juda, juda-aaas, juda, juda-aaas!

To the BBQ!

So...This is It.

I have bitten the bullet. Discarded my old, though hardly used and in very good condition (all offers considered!) blog and created a new one. I've spent the last 2 hours formatting it and trying to get it how i want it to look. So now, for the maiden voyage of The Inner Tornado.

I am so incredibly tired. I'm literally falling asleep. Working 9 hour days knackers me out so much. And then i cant even stay awake to watch what i want to watch! I was going to attempt to watch some of "The Only Way Is Essex". I say attempt....Reality shows, i get. Drama shows, i get. Try to "subtly" mix the two and it goes right over my head! I keep saying "Reem" in my head though. Damn Facebook. Work tomorrow, and then it is the weekend. That is good fricking times.

On that note, to bedfordshie! No, thats not a typo. Bed-fo-shee. Night!